I don't know how it's been almost 2 weeks since Gramps passed. It seems equally like it was yesterday and also an age ago. Since coming back to California a week ago, I've busied myself with routine and distractions. Not allowing myself much more than a thought. But this weekend, in the moments of calm and quiet, I find myself being crushed with waves of grief. Tears burst out as I wrap myself in his sweatshirt or see his smiling face looking at me from 4x6 pieces of paper on my wall. I have one of him holding me as a baby. That one especially hurts. I got to have him as the most incredible grandpa for 26 years. I just wish I had him for a while longer.
The other day, I went in to get the lenses of his glasses converted to my own. The sales lady asked if I wanted the nose pads replaced. An innocent question, but one that made a sob catch in my throat. No, I did not. Because those nose pads touched his face, and I wanted them to touch mine.
I think that's the worst thing about grief. How it shows up anywhere at anytime. You can be going about your day minding your business and then feel like you want to crumple to the ground. Going through this, the biggest thing I've learned is to not fight it. When you burst into tears, let them come. Cry yourself sick until your eyes have nothing left to give and your nose is raw from blowing it. When you feel happy, let yourself. Enjoy it and appreciate it.
Grief is the most personal thing you'll experience. It's yours, and it's different for everyone. Do what you need to do. Don't feel like you have to act a certain way or even feel a certain way. But be open to sharing it with others, even to take off just a little of the load. While I've always supported the idea of therapy for others, I've never done it myself. Maybe in arrogance, thinking I didn't need it. But yesterday I signed up. Because for me personally, I think that's what I need right now.
So be kind to yourself in your grief. Allow yourself grace and patience. Allow yourself space to heal in whatever way you need to.
