Grief

I don't know how it's been almost 2 weeks since Gramps passed. It seems equally like it was yesterday and also an age ago. Since coming back to California a week ago, I've busied myself with routine and distractions. Not allowing myself much more than a thought. But this weekend, in the moments of calm and quiet, I find myself being crushed with waves of grief. Tears burst out as I wrap myself in his sweatshirt or see his smiling face looking at me from 4x6 pieces of paper on my wall. I have one of him holding me as a baby. That one especially hurts. I got to have him as the most incredible grandpa for 26 years. I just wish I had him for a while longer.

The other day, I went in to get the lenses of his glasses converted to my own. The sales lady asked if I wanted the nose pads replaced. An innocent question, but one that made a sob catch in my throat. No, I did not. Because those nose pads touched his face, and I wanted them to touch mine.

I think that's the worst thing about grief. How it shows up anywhere at anytime. You can be going about your day minding your business and then feel like you want to crumple to the ground. Going through this, the biggest thing I've learned is to not fight it. When you burst into tears, let them come. Cry yourself sick until your eyes have nothing left to give and your nose is raw from blowing it. When you feel happy, let yourself. Enjoy it and appreciate it. 

Grief is the most personal thing you'll experience. It's yours, and it's different for everyone. Do what you need to do. Don't feel like you have to act a certain way or even feel a certain way. But be open to sharing it with others, even to take off just a little of the load. While I've always supported the idea of therapy for others, I've never done it myself. Maybe in arrogance, thinking I didn't need it. But yesterday I signed up. Because for me personally, I think that's what I need right now.

So be kind to yourself in your grief. Allow yourself grace and patience. Allow yourself space to heal in whatever way you need to. 

Waters Roaring

"Be still. Be still, oh my heart. Be quiet, oh my soul. 'Though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling' (Psalm 46:2-3), be still. Though life seems like a jumbled mess of responsibilities and things to do- choices to be made, be still. Be still, oh my mind, where hundreds of thoughts race, distracting."

I was cleaning out my room and going through old journals when I found that. That was from 2015. It seems an eternity ago, but it also seems like I could have written it yesterday. Can we all agree this year has been a real jumbled mess? I feel in my own life like that verse is playing out- seas raging and mountains crashing. Lately, there has been a lot going on in my life personally and with family, and some days I feel it will overwhelm me. But then I remember to breathe. I breathe and things slow. I force my mind to still, and I remember the love that overflows in my life. I remember to be grateful that I have had the most beautiful moments with my family in this last month; moments I wouldn't have had if life hadn't been stormy.

Life is still a mess and is crazy. And I still wish at times that it wouldn't have to be painful because that would be easier. But as someone told me, if it's easy, it might not be worth having. In times of waters roaring, we can be still, knowing better days will come eventually. And the stormy days will make the sunny ones all the brighter.

One Thing Remains

I was thinking tonight about starting clinicals in a couple weeks, and I got this knot in my stomach. I'm excited. This is what I've been going to school for after all, to get to start doctoring. But to be honest, my mind is blown over the fact that I'm actually going to be doing stuff. Will I even remember the last 2.5 years of information?! I'm nervous. Very nervous in fact. And the more I think about it, the more the knot grows. I was so happy to come home this past October. It felt like the finish line. In my mind, I could settle back in here. Yet I'm off again, and I hate it. I don't care what anyone says to the contrary, goodbyes never get any easier. I'm dreading them, as usual. Yes, I know somewhere in the background of my heart that this will be a wonderful experience and adventure, but tonight I wasn't feeling it at all.

During some quiet time, the song "One Thing Remains" by Kristian Stanfill came to mind and I knew I had to play it. This song has been like my anthem for several years now. It always seems to pop up when I need it to, from healing my brokenness the summer before my senior year in high school, to being played by the school worship team on my first and last day of college. Different parts of it have stood out with different messages, and tonight the words "constant through the trial and the change" hit me in the face. Flashing back through the years, so much has happened. So much has changed. But God has always remained, and He will still. He's brought me this far, and I believe He won't leave me now. His love is steadfast, and it never runs out on me.

https://youtu.be/GoYgi0sdOqc