Wednesday, December 7, 2016


I recently read something about expanding your soul. In sum, the piece encouraged pouring yourself into something, even if you simply turn around and destroy it. Putting part of yourself into something allows you to see a part of your soul. It's a little artsy-fartsy, but as I read through my old posts, I can see all those flickers of who I am. And it makes me think of what will be next. What will I find within my soul?

As I've thought of this, my mind turns to med school next year. I honestly cannot even fathom what it's going to be like. It is so far beyond anything I've experienced, and it is both exciting and terrifying  in equal parts. I already feel a home sickness, and I know I will miss my loved ones dearly. I will have to figure out how to take care of myself in a foreign place, which I've never done before. I think it will be one of the hardest things I've ever done, to be honest.

But from what I do know of who I am, I know I will be okay. My loved ones have all poured parts of their souls into me, and I know I'm not going alone. It won't always be fun, and I'll probably have days where I even want to quit. But, I also believe I'm going to further unearth something within me that is both bright and indomitable. I can feel that something burning in my chest even as I write these words, and I am more than willing to pour myself into this new adventure to find it.

What can you pour yourself into? Where will you discover parts of your soul? Whatever it may be for you, pour yourself into it, even if it's completely and utterly for yourself. Maybe no one ever knows it, but you will. You'll glimpse your soul expanding, and it will be beautiful.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Find Your Breath

I often wondered how people could be so sure of themselves. How they could know down to their core what they wanted to do with their whole lives. It’s such a big commitment after all. And I am still amazed. However, I think I’m starting to understand.

I’ve always loved the idea of following one’s heart, even if it’s cliché. I believe they’re the wisest words one could say. Your heart is what gives you life; each beat pumping opportunity and purpose into your bones. So it seems following your heart is the right thing. Cause where your heart is, there your life will be too.

I think many of us feel scared to follow our hearts. We decide logic is the best possibility, which it can be. But logic doesn’t know how to bring forth or understand joy and peace and fulfillment. Those belong solely to the heart. Because we follow our brains, many of us end up in places that are subpar. Places that do not satisfy the deepest longings of our souls. Of our hearts. Perhaps because we don’t know where our hearts would lead us. We don’t know, so we stay. But, don’t.

Follow your passion. Follow your heart. Believe me, there are people who want to be doing that job, who want to live in that town. That is their passion, and they’ve got it, so you don’t have to. Leave those things to the people who gain life from them. Go find your passion. Find the thing that gives you breath. The thing that gives you life.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... have the courage to follow your heart."    -Steve Jobs

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Farewell, with love

It has quickly, and yet finally, come to a close. My college career. It went by so quickly, and I am conflicted. I am ready to move forward. I feel I have a wandering soul, so I am ready for something new. Yet, I also am hesitant to leave. The past three years have truly been incredible, with the good and bad alike. Although I often denied it, I did love my time at UNW. I think the last three years have shaped me more than any other time in my life. I hope I will continue to grow and have my rough edges smoothed, but it will be different. And different can be scary.

I will not be constantly around my friends and peers. I will not be able to so easily have others pour into my life their love and experiences. And the people I've met in the past three years have poured so much. They have given both good and bad, yet it has all been used for good. I have learned to be independent; perhaps most importantly, to be independent of feeling pressured to have a boyfriend. I have found a strength within me and a faithfulness in God that makes me know I can take care of myself until the time is right. I do not need to be a damsel in distress, and that's freeing. Yes, I do still want a boy, but I do not need a boy. It's taken me 21 years to figure out that distinction. And it largely came in the last two years. Unfortunately, being an adult does not mean you have it all figured out.

Aside from all the incredible friends and peers I've met during my time at UNW, I've also learned just how important my family is to me. I didn't move out of state for my undergrad, and I am so thankful I didn't. In all that life has thrown my way and thrown my family's way, I've been able to see time and time again the deep, steadfast love of family. Yes, I've also grown to see more of their craziness, but with this insight has come an appreciation for it. They are the laughter and dancing, and they are the hugs and words of wisdom.

I've been learning, and am still learning, to be bold and to trust my heart. People think it's silly when my words of advice entail them following their hearts, but that's what I know. Your heart holds all your dreams and secrets. It knows you best of all, so why not follow it? True, feelings can lead to foolish actions and may even lead us astray, but I would say it's well-worth the risk. "Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion." -Georg W. F. Hegel. So be passionate!

I wasn't hit by the fact I'd be graduating until I tried on my graduation gown. Then I realized all that had been. All the lessons learned and memories formed. All the people who have both come into and out of my life. And all the dreams I've awoken to. These past three years have changed who I am deeply, and I can truly say I'm in love with the reflection I see in the mirror each day.


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Last Love Song

We all bring baggage with us wherever we go. Whether knowingly or not, we lug it into every room and every relationship we enter into. It can be heavy, bulging with unresolved anger and unforgiven pain. Perhaps you know you have it, and it's breaking your back as you drag it alongside you. I have baggage too, but I hadn't wanted to admit it.

My first and only real relationship did not end very well, and it broke my fragile high school heart. It's a silly thing, and I cannot compare it to things some of you may have gone through, but nonetheless, it was one of my heartaches. And it meant enough to me to have lasting ramifications into my present. Perhaps because it was the first. Now, perhaps some of you can nod in agreement as a hefty carry-on comes crashing down from the hidden place you tried to store it. I know mine wouldn't stay put.

It took six years before I let myself accept the fact that I had never actually laid to rest that relationship and that pain. I had tried to bury it, hoping I wouldn't have to face it again. But, like a zombie, it clawed its way back out (sorry if the imagery disturbs you), and it found its unwelcome self into how I now related to others. I realize because of that pain, I let myself be afraid of being hurt again. I figured the relationship would get messed up anyways, so I might as well cut to the chase and sabotage things early. Plus, if I ended it, I felt like I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. That's where I was wrong. Although the pain may be disproportional, there is generally some degree of pain to both parties. I thought I was protecting myself, but I was just amplifying the heartache I already had.

So, I realized I had this pain, now what? Serendipitously, I was reading for my Relationships class, and the section was on healing your hurts. A portion read, "When you open the Pandora's box within you, you may find painful parts you'd rather ignore, but as you work through them, you will find hope at the bottom of the box..." I didn't want to address the pain, who does really, but in order to move on from this place, I had to. So I did.

I ended up reaching out to my ex, and being able to finally know what really happened was so incredibly freeing. In a sense, it was painful to dredge up those memories, but it was also a relief to be able to have clarity over them. I felt like I could now finally let go of that relationship and realize it should not hold sway over my present ones. It was finished. I could let that part of me flutter off into the breeze.

I don't know your hurts, and perhaps you don't even want to know them, but I do know neither of us will ever be able to be whole if we don't accept their presence and work to heal them. Whatever that may mean for you, I would encourage you to work through the hurts.  "Healing your hurts is a process of painful self-exploration," but "the place to begin your journey toward wholeness is where it hurts."

*Quotes from Relationships by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

Friday, January 29, 2016

Little Light

Whether you want to or not, you do impact those you come in contact with. People will look at you, at you're actions and at your life, and what they see, good or bad, will make an impact on them. "There's a little light inside us all," and we decide how much we let shine out. We don't have a choice of if we'll impact others, but we do have a choice of how we'll impact them. We can decide if we'll take a step to reach out to someone. We can decide if we'll speak truth with love.

This is not to say it all rests on your shoulders. And it doesn't mean you can't make mistakes or have off days or even seasons in your life; indeed, in those times, may someone else's light see you through the darkness. However, speaking from my own experience, it can be hard to share the hope burning within you. Maybe you fear people will minimize it, or your light is too small to give away. But what if they don't? What if it isn't? What if you could change a person's life by loving on them? By letting the light within you, shine?

Your light is brighter than you know.

*Quote from "This Little light of Mine" by Addison Road