Find Your Breath

I often wondered how people could be so sure of themselves. How they could know down to their core what they wanted to do with their whole lives. It’s such a big commitment after all. And I am still amazed. However, I think I’m starting to understand.

I’ve always loved the idea of following one’s heart, even if it’s cliché. I believe they’re the wisest words one could say. Your heart is what gives you life; each beat pumping opportunity and purpose into your bones. So it seems following your heart is the right thing. Cause where your heart is, there your life will be too.

I think many of us feel scared to follow our hearts. We decide logic is the best possibility, which it can be. But logic doesn’t know how to bring forth or understand joy and peace and fulfillment. Those belong solely to the heart. Because we follow our brains, many of us end up in places that are subpar. Places that do not satisfy the deepest longings of our souls. Of our hearts. Perhaps because we don’t know where our hearts would lead us. We don’t know, so we stay. But, don’t.

Follow your passion. Follow your heart. Believe me, there are people who want to be doing that job, who want to live in that town. That is their passion, and they’ve got it, so you don’t have to. Leave those things to the people who gain life from them. Go find your passion. Find the thing that gives you breath. The thing that gives you life.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... have the courage to follow your heart."    -Steve Jobs

Farewell, with love

It has quickly, and yet finally, come to a close. My college career. It went by so quickly, and I am conflicted. I am ready to move forward. I feel I have a wandering soul, so I am ready for something new. Yet, I also am hesitant to leave. The past three years have truly been incredible, with the good and bad alike. Although I often denied it, I did love my time at UNW. I think the last three years have shaped me more than any other time in my life. I hope I will continue to grow and have my rough edges smoothed, but it will be different. And different can be scary.

I will not be constantly around my friends and peers. I will not be able to so easily have others pour into my life their love and experiences. And the people I've met in the past three years have poured so much. They have given both good and bad, yet it has all been used for good. I have learned to be independent; perhaps most importantly, to be independent of feeling pressured to have a boyfriend. I have found a strength within me and a faithfulness in God that makes me know I can take care of myself until the time is right. I do not need to be a damsel in distress, and that's freeing. Yes, I do still want a boy, but I do not need a boy. It's taken me 21 years to figure out that distinction. And it largely came in the last two years. Unfortunately, being an adult does not mean you have it all figured out.

Aside from all the incredible friends and peers I've met during my time at UNW, I've also learned just how important my family is to me. I didn't move out of state for my undergrad, and I am so thankful I didn't. In all that life has thrown my way and thrown my family's way, I've been able to see time and time again the deep, steadfast love of family. Yes, I've also grown to see more of their craziness, but with this insight has come an appreciation for it. They are the laughter and dancing, and they are the hugs and words of wisdom.

I've been learning, and am still learning, to be bold and to trust my heart. People think it's silly when my words of advice entail them following their hearts, but that's what I know. Your heart holds all your dreams and secrets. It knows you best of all, so why not follow it? True, feelings can lead to foolish actions and may even lead us astray, but I would say it's well-worth the risk. "Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion." -Georg W. F. Hegel. So be passionate!

I wasn't hit by the fact I'd be graduating until I tried on my graduation gown. Then I realized all that had been. All the lessons learned and memories formed. All the people who have both come into and out of my life. And all the dreams I've awoken to. These past three years have changed who I am deeply, and I can truly say I'm in love with the reflection I see in the mirror each day.

#thankyoucollege

Last Love Song

We all bring baggage with us wherever we go. Whether knowingly or not, we lug it into every room and every relationship we enter into. It can be heavy, bulging with unresolved anger and unforgiven pain. Perhaps you know you have it, and it's breaking your back as you drag it alongside you. I have baggage too, but I hadn't wanted to admit it.

My first and only real relationship did not end very well, and it broke my fragile high school heart. It's a silly thing, and I cannot compare it to things some of you may have gone through, but nonetheless, it was one of my heartaches. And it meant enough to me to have lasting ramifications into my present. Perhaps because it was the first. Now, perhaps some of you can nod in agreement as a hefty carry-on comes crashing down from the hidden place you tried to store it. I know mine wouldn't stay put.

It took six years before I let myself accept the fact that I had never actually laid to rest that relationship and that pain. I had tried to bury it, hoping I wouldn't have to face it again. But, like a zombie, it clawed its way back out (sorry if the imagery disturbs you), and it found its unwelcome self into how I now related to others. I realize because of that pain, I let myself be afraid of being hurt again. I figured the relationship would get messed up anyways, so I might as well cut to the chase and sabotage things early. Plus, if I ended it, I felt like I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. That's where I was wrong. Although the pain may be disproportional, there is generally some degree of pain to both parties. I thought I was protecting myself, but I was just amplifying the heartache I already had.

So, I realized I had this pain, now what? Serendipitously, I was reading for my Relationships class, and the section was on healing your hurts. A portion read, "When you open the Pandora's box within you, you may find painful parts you'd rather ignore, but as you work through them, you will find hope at the bottom of the box..." I didn't want to address the pain, who does really, but in order to move on from this place, I had to. So I did.

I ended up reaching out to my ex, and being able to finally know what really happened was so incredibly freeing. In a sense, it was painful to dredge up those memories, but it was also a relief to be able to have clarity over them. I felt like I could now finally let go of that relationship and realize it should not hold sway over my present ones. It was finished. I could let that part of me flutter off into the breeze.

I don't know your hurts, and perhaps you don't even want to know them, but I do know neither of us will ever be able to be whole if we don't accept their presence and work to heal them. Whatever that may mean for you, I would encourage you to work through the hurts.  "Healing your hurts is a process of painful self-exploration," but "the place to begin your journey toward wholeness is where it hurts."

*Quotes from Relationships by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

Little Light

Whether you want to or not, you do impact those you come in contact with. People will look at you, at you're actions and at your life, and what they see, good or bad, will make an impact on them. "There's a little light inside us all," and we decide how much we let shine out. We don't have a choice of if we'll impact others, but we do have a choice of how we'll impact them. We can decide if we'll take a step to reach out to someone. We can decide if we'll speak truth with love.

This is not to say it all rests on your shoulders. And it doesn't mean you can't make mistakes or have off days or even seasons in your life; indeed, in those times, may someone else's light see you through the darkness. However, speaking from my own experience, it can be hard to share the hope burning within you. Maybe you fear people will minimize it, or your light is too small to give away. But what if they don't? What if it isn't? What if you could change a person's life by loving on them? By letting the light within you, shine?

Your light is brighter than you know.



*Quote from "This Little light of Mine" by Addison Road

Peace out 2015

2015. It was such a full year. I fell in love. I had heart ache. There were dreams, and there were doubts. I stretched myself to exhaustion, and I was filled with the thrill of adventure on the other side of the planet. This year I met some amazing people, and each and every one left their impression on the soft clay of my soul.

2015. A year brimming with opportunities and shenanigans. So as I reflect, what did I learn? I'm still working on that, but I do know how important it is to know who you are. Don't be afraid of what you'll find within yourself. Don't be afraid to know what you want and to take a stand to get it. Be comfortable in your own skin and embrace who you are as you enter into this new year.

Secondly, it's so important to love boldly and wholly. Whether it ends well or not, it will impact you in such a powerful way. It reveals who you are at your core, and it helps you embrace that. It invites you to laugh and be silly. It brings with it hope, and we could all use some of that. So don't be afraid of letting someone in. Love fearlessly.

Lastly, persevere. Life is going to be hard, and things always seem to have a tendency to take longer than you'd like. But don't give up. Keep working and pushing forward. My dad reminded me that it's easy to give up at the last moment, just as the break through is about to come. That's when you need to hold on the most because you just never know when the break through will come. It could be just around the corner from where you want to give in.

So delve into who you are as a person. Love yourself and love others with abandon. And hold fast to your hope and your dreams. May 2016 bring with it insight and glimmering joy! Happy New Year :)

Heart at Rest

And here we are once again, at the turn of another year. It goes by so quickly doesn't it? We all have so much to get done, yet we often don't have the resources - emotionally, physically, materially - to get there. I know I've been running on fumes, and I can only imagine the numerous circumstances and demands you may be facing in this season of your life. Are you finding rest? Are you finding the peace of quiet stillness? I have not been. In fact, I wasn't even going to today until I felt the urge to just sit and listen to worship music. Even then, my mind jumped to all I had to do, and I was going to brush it aside for "later." However, my tired, anxious heart won out. And how sweet and beautiful the quiet peace of simply being still with Christ is.

I try to carry the world on my shoulders, but God whispers to let Him carry me in His palm. To come and lie down in green pastures beside quiet waters. It is not always easy, and it is not always convenient. At first, my rest even felt painfully uncomfortable, like I was wasting time. I think this in and of itself is a sign that you need to take a minute to stop and let your heart rest. There are always going to be a million things you should be doing, but your heart wasn't meant to run on E. You aren't the energizer bunny, no matter how badly you want to be :).

God is the keeper of my heart, and I've often equated this simply to my love story (which is true), but it means so much more. It means when my heart is tired, when my heart is anxious, He will sustain it. Christ will protect it with peace and carry it in love. So be filled. Be still. Be refreshed. May you have a heart-at-rest moment amidst the craziness of your season.

Sweet Dreams

Don't ever let something, or perhaps more likely, someone, get in the way of chasing your dreams. Whether that person is someone you may be falling in love with or is yourself. Don't put what you've been chasing on hold because you find yourself consumed over this relationship, or even the prospect of it. If that comes along, then be happy, and yes, make room for it in your life. You will undoubtedly have to make sacrifices and compromises, but you shouldn't have to let go of your dreams. In love, you will find a partner and cheerleader with whom to share your dreams. So don't let them go. Don't stop making time for them.

Our dreams pull the potential out from our souls, and they push us to look beyond who we are to who we could be. They are the bright horizon we look to when things get hard, and they are the motivation that keeps us going. Perhaps you've had a specific dream all your life, or perhaps you're just discovering a new one. Whatever the case, don't give up on it. If it fails, then it fails. You can always go on to find a new dream. But never give up before even reaching out.

Your dreams are a part of who you are, so believe in them. Believe in yourself and the potential hidden within your soul. Look out to the horizon, for it is bright.