Grief

I don't know how it's been almost 2 weeks since Gramps passed. It seems equally like it was yesterday and also an age ago. Since coming back to California a week ago, I've busied myself with routine and distractions. Not allowing myself much more than a thought. But this weekend, in the moments of calm and quiet, I find myself being crushed with waves of grief. Tears burst out as I wrap myself in his sweatshirt or see his smiling face looking at me from 4x6 pieces of paper on my wall. I have one of him holding me as a baby. That one especially hurts. I got to have him as the most incredible grandpa for 26 years. I just wish I had him for a while longer.

The other day, I went in to get the lenses of his glasses converted to my own. The sales lady asked if I wanted the nose pads replaced. An innocent question, but one that made a sob catch in my throat. No, I did not. Because those nose pads touched his face, and I wanted them to touch mine.

I think that's the worst thing about grief. How it shows up anywhere at anytime. You can be going about your day minding your business and then feel like you want to crumple to the ground. Going through this, the biggest thing I've learned is to not fight it. When you burst into tears, let them come. Cry yourself sick until your eyes have nothing left to give and your nose is raw from blowing it. When you feel happy, let yourself. Enjoy it and appreciate it. 

Grief is the most personal thing you'll experience. It's yours, and it's different for everyone. Do what you need to do. Don't feel like you have to act a certain way or even feel a certain way. But be open to sharing it with others, even to take off just a little of the load. While I've always supported the idea of therapy for others, I've never done it myself. Maybe in arrogance, thinking I didn't need it. But yesterday I signed up. Because for me personally, I think that's what I need right now.

So be kind to yourself in your grief. Allow yourself grace and patience. Allow yourself space to heal in whatever way you need to. 

Waters Roaring

"Be still. Be still, oh my heart. Be quiet, oh my soul. 'Though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling' (Psalm 46:2-3), be still. Though life seems like a jumbled mess of responsibilities and things to do- choices to be made, be still. Be still, oh my mind, where hundreds of thoughts race, distracting."

I was cleaning out my room and going through old journals when I found that. That was from 2015. It seems an eternity ago, but it also seems like I could have written it yesterday. Can we all agree this year has been a real jumbled mess? I feel in my own life like that verse is playing out- seas raging and mountains crashing. Lately, there has been a lot going on in my life personally and with family, and some days I feel it will overwhelm me. But then I remember to breathe. I breathe and things slow. I force my mind to still, and I remember the love that overflows in my life. I remember to be grateful that I have had the most beautiful moments with my family in this last month; moments I wouldn't have had if life hadn't been stormy.

Life is still a mess and is crazy. And I still wish at times that it wouldn't have to be painful because that would be easier. But as someone told me, if it's easy, it might not be worth having. In times of waters roaring, we can be still, knowing better days will come eventually. And the stormy days will make the sunny ones all the brighter.

One Thing Remains

I was thinking tonight about starting clinicals in a couple weeks, and I got this knot in my stomach. I'm excited. This is what I've been going to school for after all, to get to start doctoring. But to be honest, my mind is blown over the fact that I'm actually going to be doing stuff. Will I even remember the last 2.5 years of information?! I'm nervous. Very nervous in fact. And the more I think about it, the more the knot grows. I was so happy to come home this past October. It felt like the finish line. In my mind, I could settle back in here. Yet I'm off again, and I hate it. I don't care what anyone says to the contrary, goodbyes never get any easier. I'm dreading them, as usual. Yes, I know somewhere in the background of my heart that this will be a wonderful experience and adventure, but tonight I wasn't feeling it at all.

During some quiet time, the song "One Thing Remains" by Kristian Stanfill came to mind and I knew I had to play it. This song has been like my anthem for several years now. It always seems to pop up when I need it to, from healing my brokenness the summer before my senior year in high school, to being played by the school worship team on my first and last day of college. Different parts of it have stood out with different messages, and tonight the words "constant through the trial and the change" hit me in the face. Flashing back through the years, so much has happened. So much has changed. But God has always remained, and He will still. He's brought me this far, and I believe He won't leave me now. His love is steadfast, and it never runs out on me.

https://youtu.be/GoYgi0sdOqc

Worry About Tomorrow

"'Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?'" -Matthew 6:27

If that were true, I could probably live to be 1000 years old. I find myself worrying about this or that - thinking about things days and months down the road. But it isn't days and months down the road. It's just today. I know we like to try to anticipate and be prepared, which isn't a bad thing. But if we expend all our energy thinking about things that haven't even happened yet, we won't have any left for what's right in front of us. Today has enough worries of its own.

And even today, worry won't get you very far. You can't control everything. Let me say that again: You. Cannot. Control. Everything. Wouldn't it be nice if you could? But it's okay, because you can control the important things. You can control how you respond to daily obstacles. You can control what you decide to do about them.

Worry will try to hold you fast. Keep you spinning in one spot like a car tire stuck in mud. I feel like that sometimes, almost paralyzed and not quite sure where to even begin. When that happens, I think about what my dad told me, "take it one task at a time." There's an old adage "take it one day at a time," but that can even be a bit much sometimes. One task at a time. One hour at a time. That's all you have to "worry" about.

"'Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?'" -Matthew 6:26

When You Don't Move the Mountains

"When you don't move the mountains, I'm needing you to move. When you don't part the waters, I wish I could walk through... I will trust in you."

I don't know about you, but I get caught in the trap sometimes of thinking God is like a genie. Ask, and your wish is granted. And you can ask God for things. He wants you to ask. He is good and sometimes says yes. But He is good and sometimes says no too because that is what is good for us. As my two years of basic sciences in medical school come to an end next week, I've realized I've been so set in this "my way or the highway" mindset. Next Friday, I'll take a test that determines if I can leave this island for good or if I'll need to come back for a semester 5 review course. This whole semester, I've basically been telling God that I must pass, and that I won't be coming back. I refused. And I thought to myself how mad I'd be if I did have to come back. But that isn't very faith-filled.

It's ok to grieve the loss of plans you hoped would come to fruition, but it's not helpful or good for your heart to doubt God has a plan. To not trust He works all things together for good, even if it isn't how you expected. This last week, I've started to realize that He's seen me this far. He would see me through an extra few weeks too. I still hope I won't have to come back (like, achingly hope), and I still pray He would enable me to not have to. However, if He does bring me back, then I will come with trust. If I'm being honest, a shaking trust, but it's a start. I hope that whatever you're dealing with right now, you'll find peace knowing He is good and has good for you. Even if it comes in a way you never imagined.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Sweet Like Honey

I need to confess: my tongue has been such a whip this semester. I'll blame it on being the hardest semester. That I'm stressed, I'm over being on this island, this school has some serious faults, etc. etc. And that all is true, but I've been feeling lately like no excuse is valid for having a harsh tongue (and while I say tongue, I'm also including my inner voice). I'll think how annoying a person in my class is, even though they're just trying to really grasp and understand a concept. I'll mimic the voices of people who are more apt to seek attention, making them out to sound stupid or just "too much" with my friends.

I believe words have power. But until recently, I didn't really think they had power if the person they were directed towards never heard them. What could it hurt? It wasn't like I ever said mean stuff to the person's face. But words have power. Power to change your whole outlook, be it positive or negative. Power to make you see other people in a certain light, regardless of if you actually know them or not.

Words you say might be about other people, but they're really about you. They're about your decisions. Will you try to speak forth love? Will you add to the spirit of meanness that is permeating the world? I know I'm going to struggle with it, but I also know I need to try to get rid of this negativity. It can be easier, but it's a lot heavier too.

When I thought of writing this post, the idea of not letting your tongue lash others was in my mind. Instead, let it be sweet and soothing like honey.

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."
-Proverbs 16:24

On You

"This is on you." Not a very cheery pep talk, is it? But it's what I need to tell myself right now. I made it to semester 4 in medical school. It's been hard, and I have had to push myself to get here. But now, this will be the hardest semester yet, and I  haven't been feeling ready for it. It's the first week, and I'm already tired of studying. I know, sad. I tell myself I can make up for it later. But now that excuse doesn't hold up. There won't be any more semesters, and I won't have any more time to prepare for Step. This is it. And it's all on me.

I know I'm guilty of this, and maybe you can relate, but it's so much easier to put the pressure on to someone else. Isn't it? That way, if I don't succeed, it wasn't my fault. But that's baloney, and we all know it. Getting to your dreams? Reaching your goals? That is on you. It's not always a fun truth, but it is the truth. It is on you to put in the time and the work, and what you get in the end will be a very good reflection of how much you cared. So, do I care? Am I willing to put forth the effort?

Hell. Yes.